An Unfortunate Infatuation
by tidvis
Summary: Imagine if the tables were turned... When Edward Cullen starts at Forks High, he falls immediately for the mysterious Bella Swan. Little does he know he's toying with fate every time he steps within arm's reach of her... Rated M for language and such.
1. Chapter 1

… _did they say her name was? Isabella Swan?_

I flinched at the sound of my name.

What was that voice? I had never heard it before, and I'd heard every single one of my schoolmate's inside voices every day for the last years. I recognized them all; but not this one. This one was new.

I looked around to see who it was coming from. The cafeteria was packed this time of day, though the space closest to me and my siblings was as usually empty. I could feel Emmet watching me, curiously looking in the same direction I had just turned my face.

There. Though he sat with his back on me, I knew it was him. Upon his sloping shoulders were a head with a set of reddish, untidy hair. I focused on him to hear what he was thinking, shutting the others at his table out.

_... that face. Looks like she could need some sun. The eyes. The way she moves. Hauntingly beautiful._

Snorting to myself, I looked away from him again. Typical. Yet another human boy with a crush on me. How many times a day did I pass by someone in the hallway, being forced to listen to their silent declarations of love? How many times had I stood in the food line, quietly enduring a shy teenager's inward debate on whether or not to say hello to me? Frankly, it was tiring. They were all so shallow, the whole lot of them. I kept hoping to one day be surprised at hearing at least _one_ intelligent thought in this place, but so far I was without luck.

_Anything interesting?_ asked Emmet silently. He was bored; his mind kept wandering off to the hunt he and Carlisle would go off to tonight. I shook my head discretely, without looking at him, and sighed, turning my gaze onto my other brother. Jasper's face bore an anxious, almost impatient expression.

_... a new scent. Just when I'd gotten used to the old ones, this new boy has to come and … Should just get it over with. Could lure him into an empty bathroom stall and just …_

"Hey!" I hissed, kicking his chair.

He flinched, staring at me with startled eyes.

"What?" _You and I both know it would make things a lot easier._

"What's easy isn't always what's good." I said to him. "Get a fucking grip."

But Jasper had made me curious. Once again I looked over at the new boy, focusing on him, trying to make out his scent from all the others.

It _was_ nice. For a few seconds, I indulged myself in a fantasy of chaos and blood, but quickly pushed it out of my head.

Alice and Rosalie stood up, grabbed their trays, and walked off. The boys followed close behind while I dwelled at the table for a moment, searching the room for a thought that would reveal the name of this newcomer. It didn't take long. One of the girls at his table – Jessica Stanley – seemed already to be infatuated with him.

… _such pretty eyes. Edward Cullen. I wouldn't mind taking his name. Jessica Cullen, kinda has a ring to it …_

Geez. These teenagers. Just listening to them made me nauseous. I gladly rose from my seat and went off to biology.

I was early as usual. Only a few other students had already settled in their seats as I went to my regular spot in the far end of the room; as far away from the teacher as possible. I put my books in a pile on the desk in front of me. People dropped in one by one as time passed, and when finally the bell rang the last group of people staggered through the door.

I didn't register it at first, but as that set of blonde-reddish hair walked up to Mr. Banner, I realized the Cullen boy was going to be in this very biology class with me.

Whoopdy-freakin'-doo.

The spot next to me was the only one free and as he turned and realized who his neighbour was going to be for the rest of the semester, I saw the hope flare up inside his eyes and the blood rush to his cheeks.

His face evoked no feelings whatsoever in me, apart from a slight tingle at the sight of his blushing skin. He had a strong jaw line, a straight nose and squinting pale eyes. I could see why mortal girls like Jessica Stanley would find him attractive, but felt no desire of any kind for anything other than his blood.

As he came toward me, he thought about ways to make himself seem interesting; what to say, how to sit and other shallow gestures of the sort.

"Hi," he said as he sat down.

"Hi," I mumbled in response.

He was just about to introduce himself when Mr. Banner raised his voice and began today's class. I sighed in relief and decisively looked away from Edward Cullen.

Jasper and Emmet was waiting for me at the end of the period. Edward Cullen, as he passed them on his way out from class, was amazed at their unusual appearances. He stared curiously at the three of us as we began making our way through the corridor.

… _related? One's tall and skinny, the other's like a bear. All of them so pale. Such a strange set of people. The Swans ..._

I smiled at his confusion; listening to the humans theories about us was the closest thing to entertainment I could come in this place. People would make up the most ridiculous explanations to my family's oddness. They seemed prone to believe anything that was impossible, but when it came to the highly improbable – such as vampirism – they would immediately reject the thought as a silly fantasy.

Emmet, Jasper and I met up with Alice and Rose in the parking lot, where Alice smiled and showed me a vision she'd had earlier, in which Edward Cullen and myself sat at a table in the school cafeteria, leaning toward each other, deep in conversation.

I frowned at her and got in behind the wheel. What was she implying?


	2. Chapter 2

Little did I know this human boy would soon become somewhat of my very own, personal stalker. Wherever I would go when in school, Edward Cullen would magically appear there. Even if we weren't in the same class, surely enough I would bump into him on the way out, and at lunchtime he would always sit somewhere within my field of vision in the cafeteria.

As if that wasn't enough to grind my gears, he also insisted on having casual conversations whenever he got the chance. It was for his sake and his sake only that I made a habit out of turning up late to biology class – not that it mattered; I was an A student nonetheless. I just simply couldn't stand the chitchatting. Conversations with humans are slow and predictable and I rarely waste my time with them unless I'm forced to. Unfortunately, this Edward boy seemed to find great pleasure in forcing his company upon me.

Though aware of how wrong it was, I often fantasized of different ways to end his life during these conversations. They were just innocent thoughts and nothing I planned to put into practice, but it brought me satisfaction. 'Vegetarian' though I was, some humans were simply impossible not to loath. And this Edward boy, polite and loving though he was, tickled the predator on me.

He would've been such an easy kill. All I had to do was to reach out and snap his frail neck; it would be over within seconds. But, no, that would be too easy, so I thought of more creative ways to go about it. I could seduce him – though it felt sort of tacky and too much like something out of a bad movie. I could inform him in advance of my intentions and watch as he panicked, the adrenaline spicing his blood with strength, but never enough strength to overpower me.

If only he could see the imagery in my mind, he wouldn't be smiling so reassuringly.

Had Jasper seen it, he surely would've given me a hard time for constantly being on his ass about thoughts like that. But the difference between me and Jasper was that I could control my urges and he could not; it was all still too new to him. I had learned were the line was; I knew when to stop. Would someone like Jasper allow his mind to wander, he wouldn't even know what hit him until it was too late.

… _she staring? So creepy sometimes. Like there's someone else behind those eyes._

Oh, Edward, if only you knew what sort of creature hide behind these golden eyes of mine, if only you could see the true Bella Swan. You'd scream in agony if you saw my real face.

"So what's the deal with the Cullen boy?" asked Rosalie, discreetly looking over at his table. "Why's he always trailing after you?"

"He's got a crush on me."

"Him and the rest of the school," Emmet teased.

I didn't reply; I was busy keeping an eye on Jasper. He was rolling an apple between his palms, thinking of how easily he could pulverize it if he wanted to, as well as fighting off the urge to go berserk on these unsuspecting teens.

I didn't blame him.

The monotony was excruciating. Day in and day out, doing the same thing. Year after year the same charades. Forever seventeen. Such an unfortunate age to become immortal at – it'd be bad enough for it to last a year, but no one should be forced to stay seventeen for an eternity. Well, maybe some people would enjoy it – people like Jessica Stanley, for instance.

God, she annoyed me.

She kept analyzing every move and every choice of word made by the Edward boy, foolishly believing there was more than just manners behind his politeness.

Rosalie and Emmet, bored as usual, began an intense exchange of saliva which made me groan with irritability. Looking away from them I focused on Alice to shut out the sound of their tongues rolling. Alice was of course busy reading Jasper's near future. No misfortunes today, it would seem. She'd made it a habit to keep an eye on his future, while I every now and then checked in on his present thoughts. We were his guardians, in a way, and the anonymous protector's of numerous human lives. If only they knew.

Sometimes as Jasper's mind wandered onto darker paths, I would passively allow him a moment of fantasies. I understood that these moments of indulgence were important to him; I was afraid he might become depressed and loose himself completely unless I allowed his old persona to fade away slowly, piece by piece. Abruptly forcing him out of it would only traumatize him. But did the imagery become to explicit, or his muscles too tense as he prepared himself for attack, I would roughly kick his leg or snap my fingers at him, breaking his trance-like illusion.

Today was a day of reminiscing. Jasper was remembering the kills of his past, trying to recall what they had tasted like. I passively followed his train of thoughts, seeing what he had seen once, in a life so different from the one he led now. It was fascinating. The cruelty, the lack of sympathy, so unlike the Jasper I knew and loved.

I was so deep in his thoughts that I didn't realize someone was standing close to our table, watching me patiently. It wasn't until Jasper's memory shattered and he was made aware of the company that I too returned to present time and place.

"Hi Bella," said Edward sheepishly.

"Edward. What brings us the great pleasure of your company?" I replied sarcastically.

But I already knew; had already seen the answer in his mind, and the reason for this conversation already irritated me beyond anything I could imagine.

Edward Cullen hesitated, scratching his arm, nervously looking at my siblings. I threw a glance at Jasper, who was intently watching the boy's every move. Alice hung at his shoulder, whispering inaudible words into his ear.

"Umm, I was actually meaning to ask you something," said Edward. "It's stupid, but ... I –"

The five of us were silent as he shifted his weight.

_... looks like he wants to kill me, _thought Edward, anxiously glancing at Jasper, completely unaware of how right he was.

"Never mind my brothers murdering gaze," I said to speed things up. "It's just a simple case of abstinence."

Turning his gaze back onto me, he smiled gratefully and picked up on where he'd left off, a new confidence rising up in him.

"Right. I actually wanted to ask you if you wanted to come to the ball with me."

I felt like getting up from my seat and laughing him straight in the face, but feared that it might be considered rude. Instead I gestured toward Emmet, Rose, Alice and Jasper and explained that we were all going out of town that night. Emmet nodded in agreement, a cocky smile upon his face.

"Oh," said Edward. "That's too bad."

He stood there a moment, thinking and shifting his weight, wondering if he'd be perceived as pathetic if he asked me on a date any other day. Eventually he decided to let it be, excused himself and went off.

"Geez," was all I could say.

Emmet grinned at me; Jasper looked relieved and the girls said nothing. Rosalie's eyes were at Edward's back, following him as he left the cafeteria. She turned to me, hesitating.

"You know ... He's actually quite good looking. For a human boy, I mean," she added.

The smirk was immediately wiped of Emmet's face. "Baby!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, God Rose. Not you too. What is it with this boy that makes girls everywhere lose all sense of decency?"

For the next week or so, Edward Cullen did his best to avoid me and my siblings, embarrassed at his failure to ask me out, and on the day of the ball I went home from school with a sarcastic smile upon my face. It continued to amaze me how these oblivious teens never seemed to tire of spectacles such as balls and festivals and every other excuse they could find to dress up and act indecent after downing half a beer. I was glad as long as I could avoid it.

Turns out I was alone in feeling that way. Despite the lie I had told Cullen, all four of my siblings had decided to show up at the ball anyway. _So_, I thought, _I guess Edward Cullen is going to be pretty pissed at me when he finds out that I lied, but hey, it's probably for the best._

And my brothers and sisters? They were nearly as annoying as every other teen in Forks on this particular subject.

"I find it kind of romantic," said Rose.

"I really want to try on my new dress, and what better occasion?" said Alice.

"Come on, it's not like it happens very often. Could be fun. Or something," said Jasper.

"Rose wouldn't get off my case about it, so I said yes," said Emmet.

"You're such a pussy, Em."

Emmet didn't put up a fight on that matter, kindly proving my point.

So, as it were, I became their designated driver. Impatiently watching as Alice did Rose's hair in the living room, I wondered if they would ever get tired of playing dress up. They both acted like ten-year-olds, and it bothered me greatly since I knew that they were intelligent, deep people.

Just then, Alice turned to me. Watching me with a conniving smile, she sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.

"Come on, Bella. It'll be fun. I'll even let you dance with Jazz if you feel left out."

"Absolutely not. I'm dropping you off and picking you up, but that's it. I don't even get why need a driver in the first place, but I am not making a fool of myself by going to that abomination of a mating ritual."

"That's what you think," said Alice with a smirk as she rose from the couch.

"What's that supposed to mean? Alice?"

But she was already on her way up the stairs to check on how the boys were doing.


	3. Chapter 3

Rose and Emmet ran off to the venue the very second I pulled up to the curb, whereas Alice had to make sure (for the hundredth time that evening) that her make-up was impeccable before she could step out of the car.

"Bella," she said, turning to me once she was done. "My sweetest, dearest sister whom I sometimes want to sell to the mob but mostly feel the utmost affection for. Could you _at least_ follow us to the door, and get a whiff of what you're missing?"

"I already know what I'm missing and, believe you me, it's not much; cheap punch, tacky decorations, sweaty, hormonal teens rubbing up against each other and that obnoxiously loud _unts-unts-unts-_ing they call music."

"What's not to like?" muttered Jasper sarcastically from the back seat. _I hear you, sister._

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"Come one, Bella. Please?" Alice pleaded. "Please, please, please, please, please ..."

_Oh, for God's sake_, thought Jasper,_ just say yes already. If I go down, you go down with me!_

I sighed.

"Fine. But _only_ to the door. And no tricks."

Alice clapped her hands with childish delight and literally pulled me out of the driver's seat, and I –dressed in track pants and a college sweater, mind you – unwillingly went along with it.

And, as that cruel bastard we so humbly call fate would have it, the very first person to catch my eye at the door was, of course, Edward Cullen.

"Alice, what the hell! I said no tricks!"

But she merely shrugged her shoulders, smiled and was on her way, leading Jasper by the hand further in, to the dance floor. By that point, Edward Cullen had already spotted me and was now halfway across the floor, walking toward me with a very unflattering look of confusion and embarrassment on his face.

Oh, Lord, please spare me this, will you?

_... what am I doing?_ Edward thought._ Turn around, Edward, just walk away with your pride intact ... _

_Yes_, I though, _please, won't you please do that Edward?_

"Bella, hi."

"Oh, hi."

We looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, until I cleared my throat and explained: "We had a change of plans. My siblings wanted to go tonight so we cancelled the trip. Hrm. I, eh, figured you'd found someone else to come with, so …"

"Yeah, I did actually. I don't know where she is at the moment, though …"

He looked back over his shoulder, pretending to search for his date while he pondered the credibility of my story. Then he turned his eyes once again on me, suddenly realizing I wasn't wearing the proper attire.

"That's … quite an unusual style you went with tonight."

"Yeah. I'm not planning to stay. I was just dropping the others off, so …"

… _at least she didn't come with someone else, guess that's something …_

I cleared my throat once again. This was both tiring and unbelievably awkward.

"Yeah, I should go. So … but have a great time tonight."

But just as I was about to turn and walk away, he reached out and grabbed my arm, telling me to wait.

"Can you just … before you leave … was that really how it happened? Or did you just make up a lie so you wouldn't have to go with me tonight?"

I stared blatantly at him for a couple of seconds. Did he _like_ being humiliated?

Edward let go of my arm as he awaited my response.

"Well … you know, I really hate these kinds of events, so it really wouldn't have mattered who asked me …" Well, it wasn't a_ complete_ lie. "Most people at school know that already, so they don't ask me, but I guess you –"

"Then why didn't you just tell me that? Why'd you have to go and make me feel so stupid?"

"Ah. Well, you know. It's not like I was planning for you to find out that I lied."

He snorted. "That's obvious enough."

Then, in his mind, I saw an image of Rose and Alice at school, chitchatting about the upcoming prom, probably unaware that someone was listening in on them. Shit. How are you supposed to keep up a good lie if no one else bothers to make an effort?

"Look," I said with as much regret in my voice as I could muster up, "I'm really sorry if I hurt you. I honestly meant no harm."

"Yeah, well," he replied in a less harsh tone now, "you did. Next time, why don't you try and put yourself in other people's shoes. We have feelings to."

… _probably meant no harm, like she said, but man. She's pretty but those attitude problems are quite annoying …_

"Anyway," said Edward. "I should get back to the dance."

"Yeah. Have fun and all that jive."

He smiled and turned to leave, but this time I was the one who stopped him. Now why on earth would I go and do such a thing?

"What?" he asked.

"I was just wondering … Wh- who'd you end up going with?"

What the hell was I doing? I didn't care who Edward Cullen took to the prom as long as it wasn't me. What's gotten into me?

"Jessica Stanley," he said.

Then he smiled, turned and walked away.

During my drive home, I couldn't help thinking about Jessica Stanley. She must be in seventh heaven right about now, slow-dancing close to Edward Cullen, drawing in that unique smell of his (if she could even perceive it with her feeble human senses, that is), feeling his hands at her waist …

I wondered to myself if he was aware of what an idiot she was. Maybe, but probably not. He must've had innumerable other options – new and mysterious and, even though I hated admitting it, handsome as he was. Maybe the only reason he chose Jessica Stanley was because she was so persistent when asking that he possibly couldn't have said no? You never knew with girls like her.

I lowered the window to let some fresh evening air into the car.

One thing was for sure: I needed to stop thinking about those two, pronto. For God's sake, I get enough of them every day at school.


	4. Chapter 4

When I'd parked the car in the garage, I stood for a moment, looking up at the sky. It was already dark out, and in the night sky, tiny stars were flickering and fluttering. They were so clear to my eyes, it felt almost like I could see their light travelling all the way across the universe toward me. There was a slight breeze in the trees behind the house; animals moving among the rocks and the grass. I could hear Carlisle and Esme moving inside, but I didn't feel like joining them just yet. The calm out here was so soothing; sort of cleansing.

Without really knowing why, I decided to lie down in the grass. As I did, a somber feeling suddenly welled over me.

I closed my eyes and felt the earth underneath my body. I tried to imagine what it would feel like being buried beneath it. Dark; the earth literally pressing in on my body from every direction; hopeless; horrifying.

Well, nevermind. _It's not like I'm ever going to get a funeral, anyway._

I opened my eyes again. If I strained my hearing, I could pick up stray sounds from the prom; mostly undistinguishable musical beats, but every now and then a cry of joy, of surprise or ecstasy.

As I laid there listening, my mind registered someone leaving the house, coming down the front steps and across the grass. It was Carlisle. His light steps, his breathing – even the way the air flowed around his body as he pushed through it, creating a hardly perceivable breeze – it was all so familiar.

I didn't even cast him a glance as he sunk down beside me and took a deep breath.

… _sweet child, you look so bothered; always so sad and cynical. Won't you please tell me what's on your mind?_

"Nothing's wrong," I said decisively. "I was just enjoying the evening."

"It is a very beautiful evening tonight," he agreed. _Still, it worries me when you have that look on your face. I want you to be happy._

"Carlisle … not this again, please. You know how it goes; we've been over this so many times."

He let out a light sigh and leaned back, lying down next to me.

"I know," he said. "I just keep hoping that one of these days, you'll come home with a smile on your face. You've been this way for so long now, so bitter … And it hurts for me to see you like this, when I've seen you look so happy before." _… it's not …. it's not normal …_

"You know as well as I do that words like 'normal' don't apply to us," I replied irritably. "But even so …"

I couldn't bring myself to finish my sentence. I always had such a hard time talking about it; this … dark thing inside of me. I'd been more or less depressed for the last thirty years, and I didn't even know why. I usually didn't give it much thought, and normally it didn't interfere that much in my everyday life. Being around Jasper would help me at the times when I was most anxious. When I actually did give it thought or let my emotions run free, I would most likely end up having and anxiety attack, which led to me pushing my feelings even further away.

How could I deal with something I didn't understand?

We didn't speak any more about it that evening; it would've been to no use.

Carlisle stayed with me until Emmet called my cell phone to tell me they were ready to go home, a couple of hours later. Just lying there next to my adoptive father felt unbelievably comforting; watching the stars, listening to Carlisle's drifting thoughts. I could've stayed there forever. I was at peace there, in my true element.

But eventually, that peace had to be broken, and as Carlisle waved me off I promised myself not to leave the car this time, in hopes of avoiding another awkward encounter with Edward Cullen. And thankfully, my plan worked smoothly; upon arriving to the venue, I called in advanced and told my siblings to meet me outside, and home we went.

They all seemed well and cheerful, yet not as a red-faced and giggling as some of the teens that passed us by in the street.

"I'm sorry for tricking you like that before," said Alice with a slight smile, sitting next to me in the passenger seat. "But now you have to tell me everything! How'd it go with Edward?"

Just as I'd thought; the only reason Alice had wanted me to follow them inside was because she'd seen Edward and me talking before it had happened. Though why she'd want me to talk to him was beyond me. It didn't really matter though; because that's the last time I ever trust her. I guess I should've seen it coming, but I really didn't feel that I should have to keep a constant eye on her thoughts. She's my sister, for God's sake. Why did she always stick her nose in other people's business like that? Sure, her gift was amazing in its own way, but that didn't give her the right to start meddling.

"Awful. Thank you for that excruciatingly awkward moment, Alice," I said harshly. "Really. How would I ever get my regular dose of annoyance if not for you?"

I stared blankly at the road, but Alice was obviously a bit hurt at my words.

… _only trying to speed things along …_

"What 'things'?" I exclaimed loudly, startling the others. I started shouting. "I don't understand why you feel you have the constant need to start meddling with stuff that doesn't even concern you, and frankly, it's starting to piss me off. So next time, how 'bout you just stay the hell out of it?"

I could feel all four pairs of eyes staring at me, and felt a teensy bit ashamed, but at the same time it was about time someone told Alice what's what.

I ignored all of their thoughts; I knew they would only make me even more upset, and the rest of the way home we drove in an uncomfortable silence.

Later that night, when everyone else had retreated to their respective corners of the house, Jasper came to me in my bedroom. I was standing by the window, looking out into the woods, when I heard hem approach my door, put his hand on the knob and gently push it open. He didn't ask for permission to enter; he knew I'd let him know if he wasn't welcome.

He walked up to me and came to a halt at my left, gazing out over the same view as myself. His mind revealed nothing about his purpose for coming here. Jasper was the only one I knew who had learned to properly hide his thoughts from me; thought how he did it I had no idea. The only thoughts I could read in Jasper's mind were the ones he wanted me to read.

"You know she only means well," he said quietly.

"Yeah, well. So much for good intentions."

He sighed. Why did people always sigh when they were talking to me?

"Bella," he began, "you have to understand. We all worry about you. You've become so bitter over this last decade. You hardly ever leave the house except for school, and even then you're annoyed and pessimistic. Now, I know it's only because you're deep down inside very sad and anxious, but you need to understand that it's sometimes hard to be around you. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but it's –"

"What is it you want, Jasper?" I said abruptly, turning to him. "Did you just come here to make me feel bad or did you actually have a purpose?"

Jasper stared at me for a few seconds, and then replied: "You can't tell Alice that I told you this, but she's actually hoping that you and Edward will … end up together."

"Seriously?" I exclaimed. "Seriously? I'm telling you, she's getting more and more deluded by ever day. I can't even stand that guy."

"I know, I know that," said Jasper. "It's just that it would be so great if you could meet someone, you know? Even if it is a human … I mean it's not like being a human has to be a constant state, right? But anyway, I really think that if you fell in love –"

"Even so, how can you stand up for Alice when she's practically forcing me onto this guy? How is that fair? I'll tell you how; it's not."

"But the thing is you haven't even given him a chance, Bella. Whenever he gets close to you I can practically _feel_ you rejecting him; and I don't think it's because of my ability either. It's all over your face. I feel sorry for the poor guy. Maybe if you gave him a chance –"

"No," I protested, getting more and more upset by the second, "no, Jasper. Can you hear your own words right now? You're implying that the only reason I've been depressed for so long is because I _don't have a boyfriend_. If your opinion of me is _that_ low, I don't know whether to be offended or just royally pissed off, or both."

"That's not what I'm saying at all, if you'd actually _listened_ to what I was saying you would've understood that what I mean is that I think it would really _help you get better_ if you found someone, not that you being single is the reason for your depression in the first place."

By that point, I had already stopped listening and was moving toward the door. I flung it open and pointed my finger through it.

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely, "but I really can't take any of this right now, it's just gonna go in one ear and out through the other. I've had a shitty night and I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave."

I tried being as honest as possible without sounding angry or annoyed, because at that point I really just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to feel guilty or pathetic or mean. Thankfully, Jasper sensed my emotions and, as always, understood.

So he came up to me, said "love you," and kissed my cheek. Then he left and I quickly closed the door behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

The following Monday in school, I expected Edward to be his usual undefeated, stalkerish self, but was surprised to find that he actually seemed to _avoid_ me. This of course pleased me beyond measure, and I went about my usual business without fear of bumping into him – God, I had almost forgotten what that felt like.

On the downside, Alice too was somewhat avoiding me at the moment, still apprehensive after my lashing out at her on the way home from the ball. I still hadn't said sorry for that and, to be honest, didn't really feel like saying it all. Unfortunately, I seemed to be alone in my belief that my reaction was well-founded. _Maybe if I act like nothing_, I thought to myself,_ it'll all go away on it's own_.

Monday meant biology with Mr. Banner and I was curious to see how Edward would try and avoid me there, seeing as we shared the seat next to each other. To my surprise, he didn't show up at all, even though I had just spotted him in the cafeteria during lunch.

In spite of myself, I started wondering what was the matter with him. He hadn't been close enough to me all day for me to properly hear what he was thinking, and it frustrated me to not know what was going on in that reddish head of his. Was he planning something? Was he trying to get my attention by suddenly ignoring me?

To be honest, it wouldn't have surprised me.

I fell into a daydream for the the entirety of the lesson, simply ignoring the monotonous droning voice of Mr. Banner, talking about atoms and particles and what-have-you.

After school, I caught another glimpse of Edward in the parking lot and – for whatever reason – decided to approach him.

"Hey!" I called from behind him.

He turned and slowly met my gaze as I stopped in front of him. He seemed … less happy to see me than I had expected.

"You missed out on some pretty amazing biology today."

… _bet that made you practically jump with glee, huh …_

"Yeah, I …" he replied, "I didn't feel like listening to Mr. Banner at all today. Plus, I have a few extra credits from my old school, so it's fine."

"Oh. Good. 'Cause I kinda figured, you know … That maybe you were mad at me, or something."

In his mind, he snorted loudly – he _actually_ snorted in his thoughts – but his face revealed nothing to me.

"Why ever would I be mad at you, Bella?" he asked indifferently, knowing precisely the answer to the question, but forcing me to say it out loud.

"'Cause …" I said quietly through gritted teeth. "Because of the … the ball thing."

… _surprised you even remembered …_

"Oh. That," he said sarcastically. "Well, you said it yourself; it's not your thing, and I should've known better. No matter. I've moved on now."

"Good. I'm glad," I replied for some reason.

"Yeah … I really have somewhere I need to be right now, okay? See you around."

And with those words, he jumped into his car and drove off, leaving me staring at the ground wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

_I'm glad_ …

I'm glad? Why the hell would I tell him I was glad that he wasn't angry at me? In fact, I would have _preferred_ it if he was angry with me. I would have _loved _the thought of having pissed him off so brutally that he never wanted to see my face again!

"Hey grumpy," came a sudden voice at my ear. "What was all that about?"

I turned to Emmet and threw him a disapproving look. Next to him was Jasper, with his hands deep in his pockets, but neither Alice nor Rose was anywhere to be seen.

"None of your beeswax, is what it was all about. Where are the other two rays of sunshine?"

"They went off to Seattle, to go shopping," Emmet replied. "And I was thinking the three of us could do some gaming. I still need to beat your ass at Soul Calibur IV, you know."

"How about it?" said Jasper.

For a moment, I stared in the direction Edward had driven off, but then turned back to my brother's, mustered up a smile and said: "Sure. But there will be no ass-beating from your side, Emmet, I can promise you that."


	6. Chapter 6

Jasper, Emmet and I spent the entirety of that afternoon gaming, and I have to admit that it was a lot of fun. I always felt like I had more in common with my brother's than with Alice and Rose, and that they understood me a whole lot better. After having beaten Emmet at _Soul Calibur IV _no less than twenty-one times in a row, we decided to take a brake and just hang for a while.

Emmet turned on a CD and the surround sound system, and we all leaned back in the couch.

"So, Bells," Emmet said with a devlish smile, "when will we get to officially meet your new boyfriend?"

"Emmet –" began Jasper.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Em. _Why_ would you bring that up?"

"Sorry! Man," he replied, laughing, "I was just trying to mess around with you. And it obviously worked."

He grinned at me and I couldn't help but smile at his spiteful sense of humour. Typical Emmet. I punished him by giving him a hard kick in the shin, but decided to let the matter slide for once. Jasper was looking at me, smiling friendly.

"Are you toying with my emotions again, Jasper? 'Cause normally, I would – you know – murder Emmet when he'd say something like that."

"Not this time," Jasper chuckled. "This is all you."

"Yeah, maybe you've gone soft. Maybe it's 'cause your heart's started to melt –"

Before he could finish the sentence, the largest couch cushion in the room hit him straight in the face, muffling the last of his words. I had a good laugh at his baffled expression once he emerged from behind it. In a matter of seconds though, his face cracked into a smile once more.

Sighing lightly, he reached out and nudged my knee with his knuckles and said: "You're so much better this way, Bella. Smiling and laughing. I've really missed this."

Suddenly embarrassed, I didn't know how to reply, so I looked out the window instead.

"It's true," agreed Jasper. "We all miss happy Bella."

There was an awkward moment were neither of us said anything (what was I supposed to say to that?), and then Jasper addressed me in his thoughts.

… _know we don't mean anything bad by it ... love you no matter if you're happy or sad … we just prefer to see you happy …_

In that instant, a car drove up onto the driveway. Thinking that I'd better stay out of Alice's way, I was just about to vanish up the stairs when Jasper put his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't run from it, Bella. It'll only make it worse."

"Well, if I stay, _I'll _make it worse."

But before I had the time to get away, Alice and Rose burst through the door, covering the floor in an insane amount of shopping bags. Emmet went immediately up to Rosalie and kissed her on the cheek, while Alice rambled for a moment about this rude salesperson they had met, and the _insane_ sale in this one store, and this _gorgeous_ dress she had tried on but was too small for …

_Oh God_, I thought. _I'll die if I have to listen to all this. How the hell does Jasper do it?_

When finally she had gotten it all out of her system, she went up to Jasper and kissed him on the lips, practically ignoring me even though I stood like two feet to his right.

"How was your afternoon?" she asked cheerily.

"It was great," Jasper replied, pushing a streak of hair behind her ear. "We played some Xbox."

"That's nice."

They watched each other in silence for a moment – you know the way couples sometimes do in cheesy chick flicks? – and I thought momentarily of sneaking away while they were preoccupied. Before I could, though, Alice suddenly turned to me, gave me a smile that I felt was slightly forced, and said: "And what about you, Bella? How was your afternoon?"

"Err," I said, taken aback by her straightforwardness, "it was good. Great, even."

… _about time …_

For a moment, all of the people in the room smiled at me (and do I even need to tell you how annoying it is when that happens), and then Alice replied: "Good. I'm glad to hear it."

Before I had any time to comprehend what had just happened, the two couples made their way to their respective rooms, leaving me alone in the living room with all my confusion.


	7. Chapter 7

Later that night, I decided to go talk to Carlisle. I found him in at his desk in the study, reading an article in some medical journal, by his reading light.

… _the management of emergency bleeding complications in patients with stents requires a multidisciplinary approach to balance bleeding versus ..._

"Carlisle?" He looked up and smiled at the sight of me. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course. Sit down."

I sunk down into the chair opposite him and gathered my thoughts. I didn't even really know what I wanted to talk about – just that I wanted to talk to him. Somehow, talking to Carlisle felt like the only way to make things make more sense.

"Something weird happened today."

"And what was that?"

"Well, you know how I kinda yelled at Alice after the ball and all that? Well, since then, she's basically stayed out of my sight, but today … She talked to me like it was all water under the bridge. I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm happier than anyone to not have her wrath directed at me, but isn't that weird? I mean, Alice is the most grudging person I know. Did you tell her to be nice to me? 'Cause you know I hate it when you guys tip-toe around –"

"I didn't tell her to be nice. Maybe Alice's grown more mature than you've realized, Bella. You haven't really spent that much time with either of your family members lately, you know. Apart from Jasper, of course."

I cleared my throat and shifted my gaze.

"Yeah ..."

"I heard you spent the afternoon with your brothers."

"Yeah. I did. It was … fun."

… _finally, may be a turn for the better …_

"That makes me very happy. Maybe you should start spending some more time with –"

"I don't get why everybody's making such a big deal out of this. It's not like I've sworn upon my mother's grave to never smile – I _am _still capable of having fun, you know."

"Right, of course. It's just … seeing you smile has become pretty rare these days."

I sighed and sunk deeper into the chair, rubbing my temples. This conversation … I've had it so many times by now. No matter how many times I tried to explain, it always kept coming back up, and I was getting so sick of it.

For a while, I said nothing, but couldn't help but listen to Carlisle's thoughts.

… _such an intelligent girl … though I guess intelligent people are more prone to depression's … not proven by science, of course … wonder what really happened, when it all … can't even remember when you changed into … love you with all my might, Isabella, but it breaks my heart to see you this way … I know Esme prays for you at night … prays that you'll find peace … happiness … haven't got the heart to tell her that it's all up to you … must find happiness for yourself … no one else can do it for you …_

"Don't you think I know that?" I said quietly. "That's what makes it so freaking hard. I wouldn't even know where to start. You can't just go out and _find_ happiness, hidden in the back of a convenient store. Happiness …"

"Happiness is created."

"Yeah. It is. Through love and beauty and peace."

"And do you not feel loved?"

"I feel … alone."

Carlisle looked so sad all of a sudden; his sympathetic eyes glassy and pale. Sliding his fingers through his hair, he sighed dejectedly.

"Then we have failed you."

"What? No. No, it's not your fault. Carlisle, you can't blame yourself for the fact that I'm fucked up beyond measure. I was fucked up long before I even met you."

"All I ever wanted for any of you kids," he said slowly, "is that you lead a happy and free life. That's it. We could do without the money – heck, we could probably even do without the house, as long as we have each other. But I guess your needs are greater than that … If only I knew what you are missing, Bella, I would give it to you in a heartbeat."

I felt my eyeballs starting to burn, and a lump growing in my throat.

"When you say things like that, I feel like such an ungrateful brat. I love you guys … more than anything. But it's just –"

"It's not enough."

"But fuck, I wish it was, Carlisle. No one wants that more than I do."


	8. Chapter 8

Over the next few days, I sort of just drifted by, not really feeling or thinking anything. For Carlisle's sake I tried to maintain a cheerful façade, but to be honest I don't think it fooled anyone.

On Thursday, there was a test in History class, and seeing as I had already written pretty much the same test innumerable times in the past, I was finished within twenty minutes. With time to kill, I headed to the library and started browsing for a book to read – it'd been ages seen I last picked up one and I felt like this was as good a time as any to get back into reading. At least it would give me something else to think about.

As I stood with Sartre's _Nausea_ in my hand, considering reading it for maybe the fifteenth time, Edward Cullen suddenly swooped past me, without taking any notice of my presence. Sticking out me head from between the bookcases, I saw him head into the back section.

Moving swiftly, I dared to come as close as the other side of the bookcase he was currently browsing.

… _already read that one, God it was boring … Alain de Botton? Essays in love ... _

He spent some time reading the back cover and flipping through the pages, but didn't – as I had expected him to – discard the book as cheesy, or girly. Sure didn't sound like a guy book to me, though.

Just then, I realized exactly what I was doing, and shaking my head I thought to myself: _My God woman, get a grip. Who cares if he likes girly books? _I turned to make my way out of the library before I lost it completely, but found myself instead bumping into a soft, pointy shoulder (well, it was soft to me, anyway).

"Oh, sorry, I didn't – Oh. Hi."

I looked up into Edward Cullen's face and cursed myself for ever entering this wretched resting place for words.

"You all right?" he asked, and I nodded. "You dropped your book."

Bending down quickly to pick it up for me, the smell of his blood was caught by the airflow from the AC and into my nostrils, making me shiver slightly with pleasure. Oh, God, he smelled nice.

Wait, no. His _blood_ smelled nice. _He _smelled just like every other human being.

"Jean-Paul, huh?" said Edward, handing the book to me. "Wouldn't have taken you to be the existential type."

"Well," I replied, snatching the book roughly from his hands, "I wouldn't have taken you to be the girly type."

He frowned at me, but seemed more amused than offended by what I had said.

"You really are a little diva, aren't you?"

"_Excuse me_?"

"You act like you're this social outcast – this- this deep, misunderstood, brooding soul; but deep down inside you're just a little brat who wants everybody to walk at her heels."

For what seemed an eternity, I just stared at him, my eyes flaring, but he wouldn't flinch. I didn't even know where to begin. I felt the heat rise up in me as the thought of just killing him then and there presented itself to me. _How dare he – Who does he –? _

As he looked away and tried to pass me, I lashed out and grabbed a firm hold of his arm, clenching it as hard as I could without actually crushing his bones.

"Hey, what the hell –? That hurts!"

"Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge. You have no idea who I am, or what I've seen. You don't get to judge me."

"So you're the only one who gets to judge people, then?" he exclaimed angrily. "You took one look at me – _one look_ – and then decided I'm a loser not worthy of your time, how do you think that feels? I may not know you, but you _definitely _don't know me."

"What's going on out there?"

Mr. Webster, the librarian, had stuck out his head from his office and glared disapprovingly at us. Letting go of Edward's arm, I grunted loudly and stormed out.


	9. Chapter 9

I spent the rest of the day in a quiet, grumpy mood, snarling at anyone trying to talk to me.

_You're just a little brat who wants everybody to walk at her heels_ … How dared he? Edward Cullen didn't even fucking know me, and still seemed to think it was his responsibility to pester and anger me as soon as he got the chance. Why? What had I ever done to him? From the very fist day we met, he had been nothing but a nuisance, but this was it. If he ever dared approach me again, I would most likely go ahead and just mutilate him.

I was still upset when I returned from school that day, so as soon as I got home, I locked myself into my room and turned on some loud, angry music. Later that evening, I was told that Sam Uleys coven – the only other group of vampires around Forks – had recently gotten a new member.

"Carlisle said they'd come by tonight so we can all say hello," said Jasper.

We stood in my room, by my desk, cluttered with papers and books and drawings, and I didn't really know if I was supposed to care about anything that had to do with Sam Uley and his friends.

"I thought he and Carlisle had an agreement that they're not supposed to change any more people?"

"Apparently, this guy was already changed when he came to them."

… _asked if he could stay with them for a while … you know Sam, he can't say no to people asking him for help … _

"Oh. That's … all okay then, I guess."

Around ten o'clock, we all gathered in the living room in wait of the guests; my family cheerily discussing what the new recruit might be like. As our guest eventually approached the house, I listened extra closely to try and pick up the new guy's thoughts.

… _lavish house, have they ever heard the word subtlety? Hope they're not snobs, can't handle fucking snobs …_

"Sam!"

Carlisle and Esme smiled and welcomed him with embraces and handshakes. Against the pale, white walls, Sams brown skin practically radiated. I had always found him exceptionally handsome. Too bad he was such a douchebag.

The new guy emerged next to him and they both seemed oddly alike. He too was dark-skinned, dark-haired, dark-eyed and muscular. The biggest difference was the new guy seemed shorter and a bit more stout.

"Everyone," said Sam after the meet and greet was over with, "this is Jacob Black. He'll be staying in Forks for a while."

Smiling, the new guy looked awkwardly back at all the eyes observing him.

"I've told Jacob all about you guys," Sam continued, "and I let him know that if he ever needs help with something, you can always count on the Swans."

"Lovely," smiled Carlisle. "Would you two care to join us tonight? Will you be staying?"

"Um," Sam turned to look at Jacob and then back, "yeah, I guess we could stay for a while."

… _need to feed after this …_

We all settled down around the coffee table, some sitting and some standing, and conversations started popping up.

"So Jacob, where are you from?"

"I think it's great so many vampires are starting to live peacefully."

"Sam, how's Emily doing?"

"Carlisle, did you ever get the chance to read that book I was telling you about?"

Meanwhile, I leaned back into the couch cushions, listening carefully to both outside and inside voices, observing the Black guy from afar. He seemed okay, I guess. Smiling and talkative, with a smell that reached me even through all the other scents in the room; a scent of wood and fire.

… _a warm welcome, I guess Sam was right … all very kind, _he thought.

I didn't say much all evening; instead I busied myself with analysing Jacob Black's every thought. He seemed surprised at the civility and the politeness with which he was met by my family, yet I detected hints of sarcasm and cynicism in him as well. On the outside, he was all smiles and kindness, but on the inside, something darker was lurking.

I couldn't quite make it out, since it seemed he never let it sneak past his defences; though I could feel the presence of this darkness in the back of his mind throughout the entire evening.

To be honest, I was quite intrigued by it.


	10. Chapter 10

Sam seemed really set on making Jacob Black feel welcome in Forks, so over the following weeks my family and I spent a lot of time with The Uley coven – not entirely to my discomfort. Their coven wasn't as big as ours, but they were tight as hell. They were the only group that Carlisle had heard of that consisted entirely of vampires of Native American decent, and maybe that's the reason they all went so good together; their uniqueness somehow pulled them closer to each other.

I guess that was the main reason why Jacob Black was drawn to them too. As I slowly got to know him I realized he was the sort of person who, up until that point, had just sort of drifted through life (or should I say, life-after-death) without really belonging anywhere. I never asked him directly about it, but every now and then he would recall memories that would give it away; images of him alone on the path of a long, deserted road, or of him temporarily settling in abandoned, worn-down buildings.

Somehow, I felt like I could relate. Not that I had been a drifter of that kind, but in that seemingly never-ending quest to find something – you're not even sure what – I could definitely see glimpses of my own life. The aimlessness and apathy.

Maybe I was just projecting myself upon him, but in spite of my initial hesitation, I honestly felt like there was something to this guy.

One evening when my family and I were visiting the Uley's, I went outside for a moment to clear my head and get some space. It was raining, and heavy droplets strummed against the terrace roof. As I tuned out for a moment, I thought momentarily about how long it had been since I last saw the sun. This place was so dark, so foggy.

I hardly had any time to have another thought before he – Jacob – was suddenly at my side, quietly looking out over the deserted yard. It was night-time, and silence covered this desolate part of Forks.

That was the first time we were alone together, and I was surprised at how natural it felt.

At first, we didn't talk, and I stayed out of his mind for a while, as we just stood there – then, suddenly, he asked: "So you read thoughts, huh." It wasn't really a question. "Sam told me."

"Yeah," I replied without turning to him. "Freaky, right?"

I heard a light laugh escape from his lips. I could sense a smile in him.

"Nah," he replied. "I kinda like the idea of not constantly having to explain what I'm thinking. Saves a lot of time and awkward conversations, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, well. It's a bit overrated, if you ask me."

… _wonder how often people think about really embarrassing shit … totally fucked up stuff …_

"You'd be surprised," I said, "at the complete lack of interesting thoughts most people have. For most of them it's just ... clothes, or family problems, or tv-shows or – god forbid – _relationship issues_. Just goes on and on."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll try to think only riveting thoughts when I'm around you, from now on."

"I really appreciate that. Not a lot of people are willing to make that kind of effort."

We laughed for a moment, breathing in the moist, cool night air. Then, after a moment, the door opened behind us and Jasper stuck out his head.

"Hey Bells. We're about to take off. You wanna hang around for a bit?"

I threw a quick glance at Jacob Black, his face still smiling, and his eyes kind as ever.

… _such gorgeous bone structure … the face … _

"No, I'll come. Just give us a minute."

After Jasper had retreated into the house, I turned to Jacob and said: "Time for me to split."

"Yeah. It was nice talking to you, we should do it again sometime."

… _I hope she doesn't find out I sometimes wear women's clothing ..."_

I couldn't help but burst out laughing in a way I hadn't done for so long; a grin coming into full bloom upon my lips and the laughter finding it's way from my toes, to my gut and out into the air. He smiled and laughed too as he watched me.

"Yeah, we should definitely do that," I said, once I had composed myself slightly. "You should swing by school someday. Nothing exciting ever happens in that godforsaken place."

"Well, see, now I feel I simply cannot live without a visit to Bella Swan's high school."

So we said good bye, and I left with my family.


	11. Chapter 11

Monday. It seemed like every other day was a Monday lately. As I waited alongside my brothers for class to begin, Emmet turned to me with a not-so-subtle grin, and asked me about Jacob Black.

"What's it to you?" I countered.

"Oh, nothing, I just thought he seemed awfully ... _friendly_, is all. Don't you, Bella? Find him _friendly_?"

"Shut up, Em," I snorted, looking to Jasper for back-up.

… _don' look at me … personally think it's nice … a new friend could be good for you … _

"Seriously!" I exclaimed suddenly. "What is with this fucking family? Can you all just … get off my fucking case already!"

They chuckled to each other as I stormed off, and headed to find my seat in the biology classroom. I had never been so thankful that neither of them were in that class with me. I found it genuinely disturbing that every time I met or talked to someone new – hell, every time I happened to _smile_ – they had to make such a freaking big deal out of it. It was really tiresome, and it felt like I was being observed at all time; which in itself was beginning to take the joy out of every little thing.

As I sat down, slamming my books onto the table, I thought to myself that I must such a pathetic sight to them; not just socially retarded, but self-destructive and cynical at that. Like a big baby, unable to take care of or even know what's best for herself. The mere thought infuriated me beyond belief.

I didn't want to think about it, so I tried to push it out of my mind, just as Edward Cullen sat down next to me. He said nothing and didn't look at me, and I – being in quite the bad mood – ignored him back.

Or, tried to, at least, thought it wasn't all that easy since, throughout the lesson, the drafty window kept blowing me whiffs of his blood. Why was it that such an imbecile had such nice-smelling blood? For whatever reason, it was really distracting, and it wasn't long until I felt the annoyance rise up in me again.

I usually had no trouble containing my urges and impulses among people. My will-power had always been quite strong (Esme often joked about it being a result of my stubborn nature), but when it came to people I genuinely despised, it was like my usual, sensible mind was shut off, and another was turned on.

Another, more hungry and vengeful mind.

Only a few people had managed to bring out that side of me before, and I'd lie if I said that those times had all ended happily. Though this wasn't nearly half as bad, I could feel bits of that anger boil up inside me more and more, as I couldn't get out of my mind the fact that Edward – this simpleton who had so rudely insulted me – had the nerve to sit next to me, without apologizing, while trying to tempt me with his fresh, young blood, and not even looking me in the eye.

I imagined what it would be like biting into his neck right then and there, and then quickly rejected the thought. I thought about Jasper and the things I would tell him to distract him at times like these. "It's not worth it." "You'll regret it." "Think about Carlisle and Esme." "This isn't who you are anymore."

It's strange how black the world seems when we are driven by our reptile brain.

Edward didn't spare me a single thought during the whole class, and as Mr. Banner began to wrap up, I rubbed my temples, thinking hard for a moment. Edward shut his notebook and gathered his things, and before I had time to stop myself, I opened my stupid mouth and said: "So you're seriously not going to apologize to me?"

As people began to shuffle out of the classroom, Edward turned to me in the slowest manner possible and stared intensely at me with with his bright blue eyes.

"I beg your pardon?"

I glared back at him, trying to contain my frustration.

"You were a dick to me the other day. In the library."

There was a moment's silence. I tried to read his mind, but it seemed almost blank; like he didn't even begin to know what to think.

"You are so unbelievable," he said then, his voice full of contempt. "I don't think I've ever met a more spoiled person in my entire life."

He got up from his seat, turned his back on me and headed for the door. I bit hard into my lower lip as I watched the back of his head distance itself from me, and just as his foot touched the threshold, I sped up to him, grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around. He looked scared and confused, and I loved it.

"YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!"

People in the hallway began to turn their heads at the sound of my angry voice, looking curiously at the scene that was unraveling itself before them; the ones closest to us were wide-eyed like deers, not quite sure what to think of it all.

"Let go of me!"

"Didn't you hear me? You have no fucking right to talk to me like that!"

"You're a fucking nutcase, let me go!"

I held him at arms-length, staring into his eyes as my world turned more and more black. He struggled to get loose, but I was too strong for him.

"Not until you apologize."

"Fuck you!", he spat into my face.

Clenching both his shoulders with intense fury, I began to shake him really hard – a bit _too _hard_._

The blackness in my field of vision quickly subsided, and I started coming back to my senses.

Oh god. I'd felt it.

A crunching in his left shoulder.

Within seconds, his facial features transformed into those of a person in deep physical pain, and he hunched over, screaming. I immediately let go of him. People had formed a circle around us by now, and somewhere at the end of the hall I heard Mr. Banners booming voice.

"What's going on down there?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Edward yelled at me, and dozens of judging, angry eyes were were turned right toward m face.

I looked down at Edward. He had sunk down onto the floor, resting against the door frame as he gently cupped his injured shoulder. He was whimpering quietly.

"I –," I said to the faces surrounding us, "he was the one … I didn't mean to –"

"Bella!"

Suddenly, Emmet's strong arm emerged from among the crowd, reaching for me and pulling me away. His arm around my shoulder, he led me down the hall, and away from all the people.

My mind was spinning.

Oh, crap.


	12. Chapter 12

Naturally, people were pissed. My siblings were pissed, my principal was pissed, but, most of all, my family was pissed. Or maybe angry and disappointed are better words to describe the general emotional state in the house that afternoon ...

Edward was taken to the emergency room immediately (where I hoped anyone but Carlisle would treat him), and I was brought up to the principals office. Mr. Greene sat behind his large desk, his hands wrapped around his big belly, and spoke pompously about how he had never in all his years seen a student act like this – let alone a young lady! As far as he was concerned, I had shoved or thrown Edward against the door frame, and thus badly injured his shoulder; the possibility of a girl strong enough to crush a person's shoulder with her bare hands never even seemed to cross his mind.

He went on for a long while about the importance of mutual respect and common decency, and I don't know what else. I tuned out after a while. At the end of it all, he explained that he'd have to talk to the school board, but told me I was probably facing suspension for what I'd done. Honestly, I didn't really care about his wrath, or any consequence that he could throw at me. It was my family I was really dreading seeing.

Jasper stood alone waiting for me outside the office, since the others had already headed home. He didn't say much, didn't ask for an explanation, and I stayed clear out of his mind since I didn't want to know what he really thought of me at that moment.

On my request, we decide to walk all the way home instead of having someone come pick us up.

"Do you think he's mad?"

"I'd say disappointed, if anything."

There was a light drizzle today; miniscule droplets falling onto our heads as we walked without haste. I knew to take it slow, because once we got home, there'd probably be hell to pay.

"Alice called, by the way. Said Carlisle had talked to the doctor that treated him. You fractured his shoulder quite badly, it seems. Collarbone's broken."

I didn't answer. My eyes were turned downwards, toward my feet. Toward the asphalt.

"To be honest, Bella," Jasper said quietly. "I'm disappointed in you too. I know I'm not one to talk, but I really thought you were better than this. Sure, you've had it rough, but … I just always figured ..."

"What?" I replied calmly. "That I was … pretending?"

"No, not that. Just that, no matter how messed up you got, you'd never let it go so far as to actually hurt someone."

"I didn't exactly plan to –"

"I know. I'm just saying. It's actually quite frightening."

We reached the house only to find that Carlisle wasn't home yet. To my disdain, this meant I had to wait for him to arrive, all the while having to face the agony of Esme's and the others disappointment, anger and – or so I thought – hatred.

When he finally stepped through the front door and laid eyes on me, he stopped for a long moment and just looked at me. I didn't have the courage to listen to what he was thinking, but I could tell from his eyes, it probably wasn't all that pleasant. I've always said, nothing in the world can make a person feel as bad about herself as Carlisle's look of disapproval.

I felt rotten, pathetic, and completely unworthy of even being in his presence.

I couldn't stand all the eyes looking at me, so I rushed passed them all out into the yard. Sitting down on the wooden bench at the end of the garden, I buried my face in my hands and breathed heavily for a moment.

Screw Edward Cullen. I couldn't care less if his shoulder never healed, but Carlisle disappointment on top of all the others was too much. He had never done anything to hurt me, and yet I continued to fail him. He just wanted me to be happy, but all I ever did was ruin everything.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

"You'll be glad to hear that Edward's shoulder is going to be alright," came a voice from beside me. I didn't look up, and so Carlisle sat down next to me. "But you know as well as I do that you could have seriously injured that boy, Bella."

I saw the vague image of Edward in the other end of one of the hospitals hallways flutter by Carlisle's thoughts. His left arm was bound in an Esmarch bandage.

… _just lucky you didn't get the chance to cause more harm than you did … not going to press charges, he said … _

"I'm not going to reprimand you I am sure that you are quite aware of how wrong of you it was to exert your power over him like you did. I won't punish you; I'm sure you've already punished yourself more than enough. But I do want to remind you of one thing, Bella. Remember the conversation we had, where you said that happiness is created? Well, the same can be said for unhappiness. In the end, we are as happy as we think we deserve to be. I want you to really think about the decisions you make, and how they affect you and the people around you, before – "

"Fuck it, I didn't mean to hurt him, Carlisle," I blurt out, tears now falling from my eyes. "You have to know that. I'm sorry, I keep letting you down, but I –"

"The only person you have let down is yourself, Bella, and I think you know that. I love you – we all do – but seeing you continually cause yourself so much harm is beginning to take its toll on us. We want to help you so bad, but we can't. The change has to come from within you. We can't do it for you, but we will always be here beside you when you need support."

… _just want you to become happy again … don't want you to be in pain any more … if there was anything I could do for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat … love you, but hate seeing you like this ..._

I was sobbing now, leaning my head against his shoulder. His hand came up to my neck, clutching it softly.

"I don't know – what's wrong – with me," I said in between sobs. "I can't –"

"Nothing is wrong with you, my darling child. It is just a little bit harder for you to find peace, is all. Your soul is a restless one. But you'll get there; I swear that you will."

He pressed his lips against my forehead and let me cry for a while. All was quiet around us.


	13. Chapter 13

Since I was suspended and all, I got to spend quite a bit of time alone in the house over the next few weeks – which didn't really bother me all that much. Although Esme was often there with me, she didn't make that big of a fuss, and mostly let me keep to myself. The first few days, I spent most of my time reading; going through some of my favorite books as well as some new ones I'd been wanting to read for a while. I found it relieving to finally get some space and time to think – though I tried not to think of what had happened with Edward Cullen too much.

I hadn't seen him since the day that I hurt him, and I knew I should tell him I was sorry for what happened, but I simply couldn't face it all just yet. Hell, I wasn't even sure I _was _sorry. I didn't want to deal with it for some time; for now, I just wanted to take a while to find my way back to some sort of normalcy.

In one sense, I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Not necessarily in that I felt bad about what I had done, but definitely in knowing that my family all pitied me, or even feared for my sanity. For that reason, I didn't really talk to them at all much for some time. Mostly, I would stay locked in my room, or outside in the fresh air, trying to clear my head.

About a week after my suspension, I did however receive a surprise visit from Jacob Black, and though I was first hesitant, I soon let go of that feeling and felt relieved to find that he was the same, kind and warm guy as last time we'd met.

We sat down in the living room, and he asked me how I was, what I'd been up to, and all that. After some chitchatting, he finally said: "So, I heard what happened with you and that guy, at your school."

I guess it would've been naive to expect him to not have heard about it.

"Great," I replied. "Isn't gossip such a wonderful thing?"

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, hell' be fine."

"Was your family really mad at you when they found out?"

"You could say that."

It didn't feel weird talking about it with Jacob; somehow it felt like if anybody would understand, it would be him. I couldn't really explain why.

"Yeah," he said.

… _know what it's like to lose your temper … sucks that you always have to be so cautious around humans, doesn't it …_

"Tell me about it. They're kinda like babies. Just so fragile and … weak."

"Mm."

"I just don't know what they expect of me, you know," I went on, without really thinking about where I was going. "I feel like … when I'm being myself, I just end up making everybody unhappy, and the only time anyone really seems to like me is when I act the way they want me to. I mean … is that fair?"

Jacob was quiet for a moment, then replied: "I'm sure that's not how they see it. I'm sure they care about you a lot."

"Of course they do; it's not that. Sometimes I just wonder what their motivation is. Do they want me to change because they think it would make me happy, or because it would make things easier for them?"

"I'm sure it's not as simple as just one or the other."

"I just can't stand the thought of making them unhappy."

… _such sad eyes … don't know what to say, never was good at comforting …_

"I'm sorry," I said, composing myself a bit. "I'm not gonna bore you to death with my problems."

"It's okay, though. As long as you're comfortable with it, I really like hearing you talk."

I looked into his eyes for a moment; his warm, amber eyes, and they were kind. God, how long had it been since I'd looked into a pair of kind eyes? I felt like reaching out and touching his face; there was a light in it that hadn't really noticed there before.

But I didn't touch him; I couldn't.

We decided to play some _Soul Calibur IV_ to pass the time, and I wasn't surprised to find that he absolutely sucked at it. Jacob Black didn't at all feel like the type of person who had much experience in video gaming, but that didn't make him a sore loser. He laughed gladly at his own failures and congratulated me on my wins.

_I like this_, I thought to myself. _It makes me feel happy._

When was the last time I had had that thought? I couldn't remember.

Something about Jacob seemed to help me let go of my insecurities and just be me, which was more than unusual these days. I had become so concerned with how other people – mostly my family – perceived me, that I sometimes didn't even know who I was anymore. Somewhere along the line, I had taught myself that my real me wasn't good enough for them. But, then again, neither was my fake me, or so it seemed.

With him, it was easier to just stop thinking about those things, and enjoy myself. I had used to be able to do that with Jasper once, but it was years ago now. He used to be my best friend but, even though we still shared a bond, it wasn't the same anymore. There was too much separating us now. Too many hurt feelings, I thought.

After that, I started spending more and more time with Jacob, and less and less time with my family. Being with him felt comforting, and helped keep my mind off of things. We would go hunting together, go on hikes or just hang out and play video games. It felt nice to have that kind of relationship with someone again. No pressure, or demands. God knows I needed it badly at that time.


	14. Chapter 14

"Can I ask you something?" I said to Jacob some days later.

"Shoot."

We were sitting next to each other on a large rock on the beach, cooling down after a rather intense hunting session. It was windy out, and we watched as the waves struck the shore again and again, trying to reach us but failing every time.

"Do you plan on, um … you know, staying with Sam and the guys, for good?"

He didn't answer at first.

… _never really was the type of person who stays in one place …_

"Yeah," I said. "I kinda got that impression. Why is that?"

"Dunno. Sam says it's just a matter of finding something worth sticking around for, but I don't know. I've just always been hesitant to root myself anywhere, you know. But maybe he's right."

"Well, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I do think of you as a bit restless. The way your thoughts wander sometimes. Which is strange, considering how calm and level-headed you are, like … you're at peace with yourself, but not the world around you."

He smiled and nudged me teasingly.

"Bella, the shrink."

… _at peace with the myself, but not with the world … _

I looked up at the solid, gray sky, and let go of a mouthful of air. I felt calm. Safe.

Jacob and I had been talking a lot lately, and I was starting to open up more and more with each day. Somehow I felt like I was coming closer to uncovering the darkness inside me; shedding a little more light on it with each word, and that maybe, hopefully not too long from now, I was going to hit on the core of all my issues. The thought scared the crap out of me, but the realization that Jacob would be by my side when it happened made it slightly less terrifying.

Honestly, I was beginning to really, really like him.

… _something worth staying for … _

"I wish people could read my mind," I said. "It's like, I'm inside every one else's mind, as well as my own, and it makes my head feel so crowded. Sometimes, it's hard to even tell apart which thoughts are mine and which ones aren't. I wish people could see what it's like in there, you know. It's so messed up."

"I guess 'gifts' aren't always pleasant. Not that I really know anything about it."

"So, you don't then? Have any special abilities at all, I mean?"

"Well," Jacob answered, shifting his weight, moving a couple of inches closer, "not like you, anyway. Though I do seem to have a certain effect on people. I don't know how many times people have told me that they feel happy in my company, even if I'm in a really bad mood myself. I guess it's sort of like the ability your brother has, only it's limited to a single emotion."

"At least it's a good one."

He smiled, and his knuckles brushed briefly against my lower arm.

"Yeah. And I don't really mind putting a smile on your face."

As we began our slow walk home, I thought about having to return to school once my suspension was over. I really didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay like this, free to spend my time the way I wanted; being able to do whatever and go where ever I felt like, whenever I felt like it. I was way too old for school, and I'd gone through it all so many times before.

But, at the same time, I didn't want to let Carlisle down any more than I already had. I wanted to show him that I _could_ do it, and that I_ was _capable of being normal. And I didn't want the people of Forks so start talking, or to draw any unnecessary attention to my family. But the thought of facing that place again, and the people in it, made me want to tear my hair from it's roots.

I was so tired of humans.

"Sometimes I wonder if we're just naive to think that we belong at such a close distance to humans. Like, what if the Volturi are onto something. It certainly would make things a lot simpler to live away from people."

"Sure, but just because it's simpler, doesn't make it the right choice."

"Jacob, the wise man," I said, nudging him.

"Is it school you're thinking about?" he asked.

"Mm."

"You'll be fine. And if you ever feel bored out of your brains, just give me a call and I'll come hang out during your breaks."

"Well, gosh, sir. How awfully kind of you bestow such an honor upon a mere immortal like me."

He laughed and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.


	15. Chapter 15

In spite of my reluctance, I finally returned to school. I did it pretty much against my will, but I returned nonetheless, and really felt I should get some credit for it. Not knowing what to expect, I was hoping that the novelty of the drama had worn off during my suspension, and, to my relief, it almost seemed like it had. Sure, every now and then I would hear people quietly wondering if I was back from the mental institution, but all in all, it wasn't as bad as I had expected. The morning of that first day was fairly uneventful.

At lunch, I sat down with my siblings in the cafeteria as usual to pass the time. As I sat there and the minutes slowly passed, I couldn't help but catch bits and pieces of the murmur of thoughts surrounding me. As time passed and more and more people gathered, it started to really get to me. I tried to zone out most of it, but some stuff still managed to slip past my defenses.

… _should put her in therapy … _

… _probably on steroids, like her brother … I mean, look at those biceps … _

… _fucking weirdos, the lot of them … _

"How you holdin' up, champ?" asked Emmet, suddenly.

I smiled and tried to shake it off.

I was glad they were all talking to me again. I had been avoiding them for some time, afraid that they would treat me differently after what I'd done, but once I actually started talking to them properly, I found that, for the most part, they were all pretty much the same as always.

I guess I'm lucky to have such a forgiving family.

Jasper and Alice followed me to biology class, and tried their best to keep my mind off things. I realized that they were probably also worried about me being within arms reach of Edward again, but I didn't bust on them for it. After all, I guess they had reason enough to be concerned.

Before I headed in to take my seat, I turned to Alice and asked her something I had been wondering for quite some time: "I just need to know … did you know I was going to hurt Edward?"

She shook her head and smiled.

"You're always the hardest person to keep track off, since you make most of your decisions in the spur of the moment."

… _proves that you're not a bad person, just impulsive_, thought Jasper, his head slightly tilted to the right. I gave him a pat on the shoulder and headed for my seat. As I waited for class to begin, I swore to myself that I would try to be civil to Edward. No matter what he did or said, I wouldn't lose my cool. Once was enough.

The room soon filled up with students, and since Edward Cullen seemed to be nowhere in sight, I figured that maybe he was sick today. Just then, right as class was about to start, he came trailing in through the door. Instead of heading for his usual seat next to me, he approached Mr. Banner and asked – quite loudly, but without looking at me – if he could please be appointed a new seat.

Mr. Banner looked in my direction, confused for a moment before he remembered what had happened, and replied: "Of course, sport."

Edward was seated in the back, and a mousy, shy girl named Tracy was moved up to the empty seat at my table. Had there been blood in my veins, I probably would have blushed, but I tried my best to appear unaffected by the whole situation.

Afterward, I decided not to approach him, despite thinking that I was probably expected to say something. Instead, I grabbed my phone and called up Jacob.

"What you up to, loser?" I asked.

"Well, I'm definitely not stalking you, that's for damn sure."

"Wanna hang after school?"

"Damn right I do."

"See you then, you bum."

The anticipation of getting to spend time with Jacob made the rest of the day a lot easier to handle, and by the end of it, I was actually in a rather good mood. I was in a hurry to head home, excited to tell Jacob all about Edward dissing me in biology. As I headed for the parking lot to meet up with my siblings, I stopped for a moment to tighten my shoe laces, and just then someone brushed past me in such a rush I almost fell to the ground. I looked up to find it was none other than Edward and decided, for whatever reason – in the spur of the moment, as Alice would say – to call out his name.

"Hey, Edward! Wait up!" He didn't react, but kept going, so I tried again: "Hang on, I wanna talk to you."

Running without really thinking about why, I caught up with him and lightly placed my hand on his healthy shoulder to slow him down. He suddenly swung around – almost as if I had given him an electric shock – and shouted: "Don't touch me! I_ don't_ want to talk to you."

I was taken aback by his reaction and backed off immediately, not wanting to cause another scene.

"I – I just wanted to say –"

"I don't wanna hear it. Please, go away."

"I'm sorry, okay. I never meant to hurt you, I just lost my temper –"

"Oh!" he said, gesturing wildly with his uninjured arm. "You lost your temper? Well, I guess that makes everything okay then!"

"That's _not_ what I'm saying. Just let me talk!" I said, speaking fast so that he wouldn't get the chance to interrupt. "I just haven't been myself at all for a very long time, and you just, you bring out this side of me that I can't explain – like you somehow bring out the worst in me –"

"Awesome, now you're insulting me again."

He turned his back and tried to walk away, but I immediately blocked his path, continuing my desperate attempt at an explanation: "No, no, not like that. I know I was way out of line, and I honestly am sorry, I never meant to hurt anyone. For what it's worth, I would take it back if I could."

"Why should I believe anything you have to say? You have never shown me anything but contempt, even when I've tried to be nice to you. I thought at first that maybe you were different from every other, self-absorbed teenage girl in this godforsaken school. I thought you were cool, and maybe we could be friends, but you shot me down from the very start. So what honest reason do you have for being sorry, since you obviously can't stand to even be around me?"

I hesitated for a moment. He did have a point.

"Well, so maybe I can't convince you, but I _am_ being honest – I really am. I just wanted to at least try and explain, and now, well, I have. It doesn't change anything, I know that. It doesn't make your shoulder magically better. But, I just … I _am_ sorry."

He looked straight at me for a few seconds, apparently considering whether he should believe me or not. He snorted a couple of times, shifting his weight and slightly shaking his head.

"I'm not forgiving you," he said. "You broke bones in my body I didn't even know I had. Because of you, I now have a metal plate holding my shoulder together. You can be damn sure I'm not forgiving you." He takes a deep breath. "That being said, I guess you deserve some credit for coming up to me like this. Happy?"

"It's a start."

"Bella, hey!"

I turn my head to the left, trying to find the source of that call. Jacob. Right. And what a splendidly awkward time for him to arrive. He walked up to us, smiling widely from eye to eye and greeted me with a light pat on the back.

"Hey. Oh, uh. Edward, this is my friend Jacob. Jake, Edward."

They politely shook hands, and then we all stood in silence for a moment, suddenly at a loss for words. Just as it started to feel unbearable, I cleared my throat and said: "Well, I won't bother you anymore. But, thanks for … listening, I guess."


	16. Chapter 16

Jacob walked me home from school that day. He didn't mention anything about Edward at first, but I could tell that he was curious about the encounter. I didn't even have to read his mind to figure that out.

"Go ahead," I said eventually, "ask me about Edward. I know you're dying to."

"Oh, that," he replied innocently, casually pushing his hands down his pockets. "I just felt like I, uh, walked in on … a rather tense conversation earlier."

His voice was neutral, but pleasant. I always liked that he never sounds like he's snooping, or judging when he asks me things. It's like he asks because he actually cares, but that he would fully understand it if I refused to reply. I guess that's part of why I found him so easy to talk to.

"Well, yeah, kind of … I tried to apologize to him. For whatever that's worth."

"Wow. So how'd it go, did he accept?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Not really, but it seemed like he at least understood where I was coming from. I honestly don't really care, though. I just apologized because … you know, you're supposed to."

Laughing, Jacob nudged me with his elbow. "I think you care more than you'd like to admit," he said. "You don't want to care, but you do."

"Ha! And what the hell gave you that impression?"

He shrugged, his expression sympathetic. "It's only natural. You did something wrong, and now you feel bad about it. It doesn't really matter if you like the guy or not; as long as you're a moral being, you're going to care, right?" I nod in agreement. "Besides … the emotional connection you've made with him has probably become strong enough by now to make you care, at least a little."

Coming to a sudden halt, I stared at Jacob with disbelief, frozen where I stood. What did he just say?

"I do _not _have an emotional connection with Edward Cullen!"

Turning to me, he said simply: "Sure you do."

"Why would you even say that?"

"It's not that big of a deal, Bella. I've heard you talk about him time and time again, and it's obvious he's become a part of your life – whether you like it or not."

"Maybe so, but I'm still not _emotionally connected_ to him." The term made me cringe slightly.

"Oh, come on. You're obsessed with his perception of you, you can't deny that! And you _are_ emotionally connected with him, in the sense that he evokes something very strong within you when you see him or talk about him. Even if those emotions are mostly negative, that doesn't necessarily mean you're not, on some level, attached to him."

At a loss for words, all I could say was: "..._What_!"

"Yeah. You want his approval, but you don't want to want it."

"That doesn't even make any sense!" I shouted.

He shrugged again. "Think what you will. That's the way I see it, anyway."

Wanting to dismiss the entire subject, I made a confused gesture, like I was trying to swat away a bunch flies. The whole conversation made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Look, can we just … _not_ talk about this anymore? I honestly didn't ask for your opinion. All I wanted was to confide in a friend, okay? Please, don't give me any of that psychology crap, I get enough of that from my family."

For a fraction of a second, Jacob's face changed – but it happened so fast I couldn't really tell what the expression had meant. It looked almost like … disappointment? But within a second, his usual, carefree smile was back.

"You called me your friend," he teased, poking his finger at my belly.

"Oh, shush, you."

We eventually reached my house, but since the weather was so nice, we decided to sit in the yard for a while. As we chitchatted away, having left the subject of Edward Cullen behind, Jake's words from before were still tumbling around in my head. They annoyed me and frustrated me, and yet I couldn't shake what he had said. The more I tried not thinking about it, the louder they echoed in my head. What had he been trying to imply? That I wanted Edward to like me?

"We should go camping sometime, you and me. Just hunting and camping and sitting by a fire."

"I've never really done anything like that," I admitted, trying to push away my thoughts. "When you live like this, with nature so close by, there's really no need to go camping."

Images suddenly appeared in his mind, revealing that Jacob had pitched more than a few tents in his days. I was allowed to observe one of the rare glimpses of his past: solitary, wandering. Headed somewhere – but where? Did he even know where? I wanted to ask him about it, but I never knew how.

"It can be really nice, I think you'd like it. Just peace and quiet, no people, fresh air. I've had a lot of revelations in the forest."

"I can imagine."

I tried to picture it: trekking deep into the woods with Jacob leading the way, climbing up to higher grounds. Sunshine falling through the foliage and hitting his dark skin, making it glow. Sitting by a fire together as the night fell quietly over us; talking, not talking. Breathing in the scent of grass and wood. Resting there during the night.

"We should totally do it," I said.

Being alone with Jacob an entire night, with no distractions. Maybe even getting a chance to finally know what stirred within him. Regardless of cold or warm weather, sitting by that fire, watching it burn. Just the two of us, unspoiled by the presence of an outer world. Honest, open.

"Yeah, just say when."

Just the two of us, alone, in the forest.

"How about next Saturday?

"I'll check my calendar," he replied with a happy grin.


End file.
